And now, we wish a fond farewell to the 2007 CrankMama ManCandy Contest with the conclusion of Frieda’s fabulous three-part series. I give you Lesson Three in The Good Girl’s Guide to Unwrapping Your ManCandy… just incase you missed them; Lesson One can be found here and Lesson Two can be found here. Thank you Frieda!

Are you ready, little temptress? Have you created an altar of love upon which your object of desire awaits? Okay, it’s time to get busy, and to think about — well, food, of course! Take a look at Frieda and her love of fine fare and drink becomes apparent — she sports dangerous curves! Think of these festivities like a pleasure menu — including appetizers, main course, palate cleansers, and, naturally — dessert. First, feel free to choose as many as you’d like from our appetizer list. Then you decide where they go!

Blindfold
Whipped Cream
Honey
Chocolate
Grapes
Restraints
Lap Dance
Tickle
Stroke
Rub
Knead
Lube

Once your ManCandy is rubbed down and relaxed or teased and tickled, the real action begins. If he’s blindfolded or restrained in some way, leave him be for the main course. If not, consider wrapping him up a little more before you begin. But I beg you, be safe and warn him that any sudden moves could result in bloodletting. Wowie! Have your scissors in your hot little hands? Wonderful—you are now on the cusp of contentment, the edge of ecstasy, the tip of titillation! Now slow it down, babycakes. No rushing through. A quickie may be just the thing for many situations, but this is not one of them. You’ve worked hard to get this far and we want these delicious moments to last. After all, stretching things out will only make your ManCandy want it more. Make him be patient! Make him beg! You have the upper hand, darlings. And when he feels those scissors across his skin, well . . . he won’t dare move a muscle! Down, boy!

Time for the Main Course — the one you’ve so patiently awaited: The Art of the Unwrap. Grab your scissors and call upon the patron saint of Cranksters, St. Cecelia Margeaux, to guide you. And if you need a bigger boost of courage, morph into your alter ego—you know, the vampy chick who does this sort of thing all the time. (Frieda pretends she’s Beyonce when the situation demands.) Handle your scissors with care—we don’t want to disrupt the delightfulness with emergency 911 calls! Keep the handles closed, and trace the length of his arm or leg with the underside of the blade. Then draw it across his tum and really make him squirm. Keep this up for a few delicious moments, and use your imagination to make it fun until the clothing starts coming off. You can relieve him of his shirt first, or start with his pantalones. Cutting away a pair of jeans is most delicious, darlings—who needs zippers? Just sharpen those scissors first if you’re destroying denim! For t-shirts, a little snip of the fabric will do. Then, grab a piece in each hand and tear it up the middle! You’ve heard of “bodice-rippers” right? Well those romance novel naughties have nothing on you, little sexpot, when you try out this sporty little exercise. Keep cutting and snipping away until he’s all bare—and take a little break with one of these luscious, sexy Palate Cleansers:

Champagne
Grapes
Sorbet
Ice Cubes
Apple Wedges (how very Eve of you)
Sparkling Water

Drawing out the action only makes it more luscious. But realistically, Frieda imagines many of you lucky vixens moving on to the dessert course immediately. And this one is Ladies’ Choice. Frieda suspects her assistance is no longer required, since the unwrapping is through! So lady, be good, because good girls do get naughty and do take their turns at giving up the pleasure. And boy, will it be fun—especially when you’re destroying that ratty old Red Sox t-shirt or those denim cut-off shorts. In fact, you are doing the world a favor, darling, so cut up that fashion don’t, tear it off your man, and throw it on the floor! Just don’t let it land near the candles. Ta for now! Love, Frieda

Here’s a little something to keep you entertained as you eagerly await the results of CrankMama’s ManCandy Contest. I give you Lesson Two in Frieda’s fabulous three-part series, The Good Girl’s Guide to Unwrapping Your Mancandy … just incase you missed it; Lesson One can be found here.

So, has your creative sexual energy started flowing? Fabulous! That’s precisely what your friend Frieda was hoping for. And if hot and lusty extracurricular activities have fallen off your to-do list, remember — it really doesn’t take a super-heroine effort to rekindle the romance you remember. This three-part series, The Good Girl’s Guide to Unwrapping Your ManCandy, was designed to inspire you to take the reins (and the riding crop, if you’d like) and treat your guy to an experience he’ll long remember. So release your inhibitions and read on, as I present Lesson Deux :

First, gather all those sexy-feeling fabrics from Lesson One and transform that big bed, conference table, or patch of lawn in the backyard into an altar of worship to your god of great sex. Throw the chenille, spread the silk, pile on the pillows. Think sumptuous, sexual, splendid and plentiful. It’s the feel of it, darlings. Our skin is our largest organ, contrary to the one(s) we usually focus on — capisce? Silk against skin — oh my. There are few greater pleasures in life. And setting up a comfy, luxurious space will instantly transport your ManCandy to another place — even if he’s right in your own living room.

Next, play with the lighting as if you’re directing a play on a stage: play up the drama and make it beautiful. Spotlights are perfect to provide focus for certain “main characters”. Find some clamp-on lamps (maybe you’ve some stashed in a closet) and clamp those puppies to the headboard! Not only do you get direct illumination — perfect for the stars of the show — but they also create some very interesting shadows on the walls. For a softer look, hide a few can lights around the edge of the room. Just don’t turn off all the lights. Darkness is drama and can set a delicious scene, but not for today’s entertainment. His eyes need to be on you — and able to see what you’re doing. Oil lamps and candles are fine, so long as they don’t collide with any of the sensual fabrics you’ve scattered all over the place. The only things smokin’ should be you and your ManCandy.

Now, get yourself ready. Take some pampering time — and prepare for action. Go ahead — get dolled up. What girl doesn’t want to vamp it now and again? And guess what!? He doesn’t care if your ass is little more generous than it used to be, or if you shake while you shimmy. He doesn’t care if your girls don’t spill out of your top like Pamela Anderson’s. He doesn’t care how you think you look. He loves seeing you — all of you — in the laciest, spangliest, studliest get-up in your lingerie drawer. Good girls do take the time to match the panties with the bra, and to include a few extras so he can have some fun unwrapping you — after your fun is through. Grab a little robe or wrap, a boa and some boots, your highest heels and garter belt. Give him lots to drool over while you’re subjecting him to the joys of unwrapping.

Are we there yet? Almost. You see, you will have to prep him, too. If your tiger is anything like Frieda’s, he’s ready to be let out of his cage on a moment’s notice, Frieda must caution however that her unwrapping exercise involves scissors. Yes, scissors, ladies, but don’t fret — there will be no pain in this exercise, only delightful fun.

Be prepared like a girl scout and maybe your boy will give you a badge for your sash. Tell him to expect a little special something that day, and coyly request that he wear something he does NOT love — and won’t mind throwing away when the fun is over. Maybe it’s a jammies/t-shirt combo, or an old pair of sweats (the holier the better), or any outfit he is not allowed to wear out of the house. You will be destroying this getup, so be certain there are no special memories or sentimental feelings attached to it. You can always buy him another pair of boxers, but you will never replace the t-shirt he got signed backstage at the Foo Fighters concert back in ‘96. Careful with this one, ladies…and stay tuned for Lesson Trois, where it all comes together — so to speak. Until next time!