After weeks of trying to get internet service, (see previous posts), FINALLY… on the eagerly anticipated appointed day, Terrence showed up bright and early.

I asked him if there was anything else that could possibly prevent me from getting internet service that day. “No mam, everything is lined up. Today you definitely will have service.”

So, call me an eternal optimist. But I was excited. After all I hadn’t had an internet connection at home now for weeks and today was the day.

Terrence did some wiring stuff inside the house and then went to check on the progress out by the road. He was gone a long time so I didn’t think it was a good sign when his supervisor called me on my cell phone. “We have some bad news…” You’ve got to be joking. What could possibly go wrong now?

Well, apparently the flaggers don’t like standing out in the rain so they just didn’t show up. Their supervisor and their supervisor’s supervisor had been unable to track them down. I guess they were having a long leisurely lunch somewhere while they waited for the rain to stop.

Meanwhile - no internet for me. Damn! Give me one of those little orange vests and I’ll go and stop the traffic myself!

Needless to say my installation was rescheduled… AGAIN! Now I’m getting really really sick of this.

A couple of days later Terrence is back. And he isn’t going to leave until I have my service installed. I believe him and hope I don’t have to get the guest bedroom ready.

He works on the installation most of the day and by late afternoon… I have lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV!!!!!!! Thank you Terrence, my hero of Verizon. You so rock my world!

So if you, too, are thinking of getting a super-duper fiber optic line, here are some useful tips I have learned:

Useful tip #1: Warn all your neighbors about a possible probable interruption of their electric /gas / internet / phone / all of the above. Be prepared to lend them your cell phone to call Verizon when their service is disconnected. And be sure to have libations on hand to soothe their pain.

Useful tip #2: Flag men are allergic to rain so check the weather forecast before scheduling your appointment.

Useful tip #3: Swearing at Verizon’s automated phone service gets you a live person faster (but don’t swear at them - I know you want to, but it really doesn’t help). Here are more useful tips on getting to a live human when calling Verizon.

Useful tip #4: Ask for Terrence.

Useful tip #5: If all else fails, try Comcast (but I can’t guarantee they’ll be any better).

Disclaimer: When all is said and done, if you’re lucky enough to ever actually get your super-duper blazing fast fiber optic connection from Verizon, it is really GREAT!

But for now… it’s back to Starbucks ’cause my power just went out. Somebody in the neighborhood must be getting a Verizon installation today.

So it is a couple of days later (see previous post) and the Verizon van is back.

“Are you here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV?” “No mam, I am to lay a new temporary line for your neighbor.”

Turns out they cut through her phone line in so many places it was impossible to repair and they had to lay a whole new line. But the good news - Verizon said there would be no charge for this service. How very nice of them!

The following week another technician showed up. “You MUST be here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV?” “No mam, I am here to bury your neighbor’s replacement line.”

Then all was quiet for a couple of weeks (real quiet for me without a phone, TV or internet - the only sound being that of me climbing the walls).

But just when my neighbors thought the Verizon Affair must be over….. early one morning there was that van again. “Are you, by any chance here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV?” “Yes mam! When I leave here today your service will be installed.”

Whoo Hoo. I danced around like a crazy person under a full moon. I wanted to hug him. His name was Terrence and as it turned out, over the next week I’d see a lot of Terrence….

… and the neighbors’ eyebrows would be at serious risk of remaining permanently raised!

All went well at first, but then Terrence ran into trouble. Apparently “The Magnificent Seven” had been so busy cutting through wires they actually had not finished the job of laying my cable and another crew would have to be called in to complete it. (I sighed, having no scream left in my body - now weak from wall climbing.)

And because the line needed to go across a busy street, a team of flag men had to come and direct traffic for a short while. Terrence told me if there was anything he could do to get me service that day he would, but this was outside of his control. So my installation was rescheduled for the following week.

Speechless, I headed back to Starbucks.

The sight of a Verizon van outside my door has become such a regular occurrence these days that I am sure my neighbors think I’m having an affair. If only life were that uncomplicated!

But the sad truth is… all I want is my MTV… and my internet access and my phone. Now is that too much to ask? I’m beginning to think so.

It all began innocently enough when I moved and found that my old friend, Comcast, does not service my new neighborhood. So I decided to give Verizon a try.

They were scheduled to hook me up in late July and I couldn’t wait to get my blazing fast internet connection. I had to be home that day from 8am till 5pm for the installation (which I’d been told would take 4 - 6 hours), but by noon the technician had told me the bad news. I wasn’t going to have internet that day.

A few days later another technician showed up. “Are you here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV?” “No mam, I am the surveyor here to mark where the new line has to go.” And he proceeded to draw lines and markings all over the property.

A few days after that another technician showed up. “Are you here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV?” “No mam, I am the surveyor here to mark where the gas and eclectic lines are so the crew laying your line doesn’t cut through them.”

A couple of days later, I hear my husband excitedly call out “Honey, Verizon is here!” I ran outside (by now I have gone into serious online withdrawal and am feeling a tad desperate). “Please tell me you’re here to set up my lightning fast fiber-optic internet, phone and TV” “No mam, I am the surveyor here to mark where existing fiber-optic lines are so that the crew laying your line doesn’t cut through them.” By now my yard looks like a multi-colored checkerboard.

About a week later I was sitting looking out my window, daydreaming about the day that I would once again be online, when I was met by a toothless grin looking back at me. I jumped! Who the heck was that?

So I went outside and there were 2 vans and a crew of 7 here to lay my fiber-optic line. Whoo Hooo! But don’t get too excited for me ’cause they seemed clueless. They kept asking dumb questions that, even to a novice like me, seemed real obvious - like “Do you know where the electricity comes into your house?” Could it possibly be that big fat cable that terminates in what looks like an electrical junction box that’s stuck right there on the wall? (I was concerned.)

But the Dumbest Question Award goes to the toothless grinner who knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked if he could borrow a knife! I kid you not. Her immediate thought, which remained unspoken, was “to stab me with?” I mean, what stranger comes to your door asking for a knife? When she asked him why he needed to borrow a knife when there were 2 vans in the driveway (didn’t they have any tools in those vans?) he apparently didn’t understand any English beyond that and left… knifeless.

By the end of the day the competent team had succeeded in cutting through one neighbor’s fiber optic line so he now had no internet, phone or TV (misery loves company). And when my other neighbor came home that evening she came knocking on my door to find out if I knew why her phone line might be dead. Oooops - looks like they cut through her line too.

If Verizon wants to save some money, maybe they should do away with having surveyors! As for me - well I’m still dreaming about the day I’ll have that lightning fast super-duper internet connection, but for now it’s off to Starbucks.