Fathers are frequently under-appreciated hardworking, dishes-cleaning-up, bottle-getting, paycheck-bringing-home sports-watching, wife-angering confused-heads. Honestly, you could not pay me enough to swap my lady bits for a man package… no matter how privileged and easily orgasmed the lot of them are.

To be a man in this society means to be wrong most of the time, all the while carrying around the equipment and the gender of rightness. To have (on a good day) no clue what you did to deserve that particular look, or door slam, or low-level simmering resentment. If you are a man, to put it mildly, you’re in a bit of a pickle.

But let’s say you survived Mother’s Day relatively unscathed. You bought the spa certificate, the flowers, and watched the kids for the afternoon so she could get out. What are your hopes and dreams for Father’s Day? Maybe a nice sleep-in, a shag, a baseball game, or time to read a good book. Should you be a highly evolved sort, perhaps Father’s Day will involve a free morning for yoga, a kefir cleanse, or tantra.

Whatever the case, one thing is certain. You probably haven’t surrendered more than 30 seconds of your man brain to thoughts about Father’s Day. You probably don’t even know in 2007 it’s on June 17th. And that, my friend, is part of your charm: Low expectations. The sisters could take a page from your book, don’t you agree?

So this one’s for you. Father’s Day is afoot and I’m here to help the ladies find it in their hearts to give you something you’ll really, really love: ManCandy. Far better than free time, stronger than a good dark beer, more fun than a naked tickle fight, Man Candy is the assortment of goodies that makes you hum with happiness. The selection of candied sweetness of course varies from man to man, so we’ll let the women sort out your favorite.

There are as many kinds of ManCandy as there are embarrassed husbands in the tampon aisle — some material, some spiritual, some sensual. You men can sit back and relax while we discuss amongst ourselves.

1. Passionate Kisses – These little darlings can knock your socks off. Do you know what makes a kiss passionate? I’m convinced it is intention more than anything else. If you’re thinking about laundry and checkbooks when you go in for some mouth-love, you’ll communicate it. If you’re thinking of ravishing your personal lust object I think you’ll find the results more sparkly. For a hot little tutorial, go here.

2. Praise – Men like to hear that they are spectacular. And yes, I do mean in bed. But honestly? They also like to know you think highly of them in the regular run of things. Praise is easily given to men (well, it’s not easy when you’re pissed, but if you try try try, you can muster it). Start small: “Honey, thank you for doing the dishes, being a good father, bringing home the bacon, helping me raise these kids.” Or try, “Thank you for being such a cunning linguist!” Well, if not that then just stick to the dishes comment.

3. Loving Touch – I’m often told that I miss opportunities to rub shoulders, pat backs, and rub heads in the daily turmoil of things. And truthfully? I do shy away from any physical man-contact (as afraid as I am of giving any sign that I want to immediately run upstairs). But everyone needs loving touch. And it’s an easy way to offer man love without later requiring laundering.

In order to properly offer ManCandy, let’s put first things first. Because like you, daddies cannot relax when all the rugrats are running around yelling, fighting and creating gooey messes, and proper fatherly appreciation starts with good planning. Mark your calendar (you can mark it MCD = “Man Candy Day”) and get grandma or sitter all signed up for a 3 – 8 hour stint.

Next, juice him up with serious ManCandy a few days prior. Touch, praise, love. When MCD finally arrives, dress yourself up all pretty like. Plan an outing and an adventure that he will enjoy. Remember that novelty is one of the world’s best aphrodisiacs. Take him on a Sin Date (tattoo parlor, fantasy shop, head shop, beer making storefront) and talk all about him.

But time out for a second. Just suppose you and your honey aren’t getting along right now? Let’s say (hypothetically) that your marriage is on the rocks, even. Here’s what I’ll say on that topic (and believe me I know from rocks). Sometimes a few sessions of hot loving can do a lot to repair broken trust and simmering resentment. If even that is off the mark, then try proffering some of that Man Candy. You might be surprised at who emerges from that dim little man cave to greet you.

And men, thank you for all you do.man

Here at CrankMama we like to stick up for the mamas. We love to encourage shoe-worship, girlfriend gallivanting, kid-free quiet time and much soul-fulfilling romping. But what about the poor papas? Is there no room left in all this fun for the man-love? Oh my yes!!

In fact, our love for the daddies is so incontrovertible and often over the top, we sometimes get into trouble while wearing gold lame and quaffing fancy drinks (but that’s a story for another time).

In honor of Father’s Day (and everyone is somebody’s daddy don’t you know), we’re sharing secrets of CrankMama ManBaskets that even the most diffident confused man will enjoy.

Today’s Man Basket Tip

If he’s anything like Daniel Craig (and praise God, let’s hope he is), then your man likes a woman to dress up. Surprise him for a date. Pick him up at work (or home) all dolled up with heels and makeup and perfume and whisk him away on a kid-free evening adventure.

If the night takes you somewhere evilicious and questionable and mysterious, so much the better. Tattoo parlor? Head shop? Sex shop? Who knows?

Meanwhile. There are some seriously funny and talented (& hot) daddio bloggers out there. You should check them OUT.

Cry it Out
Mitch McDad
Moobs
Doodaddy

Nummy!!