And now, we wish a fond farewell to the 2007 CrankMama ManCandy Contest with the conclusion of Frieda’s fabulous three-part series. I give you Lesson Three in The Good Girl’s Guide to Unwrapping Your ManCandy… just incase you missed them; Lesson One can be found here and Lesson Two can be found here. Thank you Frieda!

Are you ready, little temptress? Have you created an altar of love upon which your object of desire awaits? Okay, it’s time to get busy, and to think about — well, food, of course! Take a look at Frieda and her love of fine fare and drink becomes apparent — she sports dangerous curves! Think of these festivities like a pleasure menu — including appetizers, main course, palate cleansers, and, naturally — dessert. First, feel free to choose as many as you’d like from our appetizer list. Then you decide where they go!

Blindfold
Whipped Cream
Honey
Chocolate
Grapes
Restraints
Lap Dance
Tickle
Stroke
Rub
Knead
Lube

Once your ManCandy is rubbed down and relaxed or teased and tickled, the real action begins. If he’s blindfolded or restrained in some way, leave him be for the main course. If not, consider wrapping him up a little more before you begin. But I beg you, be safe and warn him that any sudden moves could result in bloodletting. Wowie! Have your scissors in your hot little hands? Wonderful—you are now on the cusp of contentment, the edge of ecstasy, the tip of titillation! Now slow it down, babycakes. No rushing through. A quickie may be just the thing for many situations, but this is not one of them. You’ve worked hard to get this far and we want these delicious moments to last. After all, stretching things out will only make your ManCandy want it more. Make him be patient! Make him beg! You have the upper hand, darlings. And when he feels those scissors across his skin, well . . . he won’t dare move a muscle! Down, boy!

Time for the Main Course — the one you’ve so patiently awaited: The Art of the Unwrap. Grab your scissors and call upon the patron saint of Cranksters, St. Cecelia Margeaux, to guide you. And if you need a bigger boost of courage, morph into your alter ego—you know, the vampy chick who does this sort of thing all the time. (Frieda pretends she’s Beyonce when the situation demands.) Handle your scissors with care—we don’t want to disrupt the delightfulness with emergency 911 calls! Keep the handles closed, and trace the length of his arm or leg with the underside of the blade. Then draw it across his tum and really make him squirm. Keep this up for a few delicious moments, and use your imagination to make it fun until the clothing starts coming off. You can relieve him of his shirt first, or start with his pantalones. Cutting away a pair of jeans is most delicious, darlings—who needs zippers? Just sharpen those scissors first if you’re destroying denim! For t-shirts, a little snip of the fabric will do. Then, grab a piece in each hand and tear it up the middle! You’ve heard of “bodice-rippers” right? Well those romance novel naughties have nothing on you, little sexpot, when you try out this sporty little exercise. Keep cutting and snipping away until he’s all bare—and take a little break with one of these luscious, sexy Palate Cleansers:

Champagne
Grapes
Sorbet
Ice Cubes
Apple Wedges (how very Eve of you)
Sparkling Water

Drawing out the action only makes it more luscious. But realistically, Frieda imagines many of you lucky vixens moving on to the dessert course immediately. And this one is Ladies’ Choice. Frieda suspects her assistance is no longer required, since the unwrapping is through! So lady, be good, because good girls do get naughty and do take their turns at giving up the pleasure. And boy, will it be fun—especially when you’re destroying that ratty old Red Sox t-shirt or those denim cut-off shorts. In fact, you are doing the world a favor, darling, so cut up that fashion don’t, tear it off your man, and throw it on the floor! Just don’t let it land near the candles. Ta for now! Love, Frieda