January 28, 2008 - 6:12 pm
So yesterday was Pinky’s funeral. We ceremoniously took her/him (we never did figure it out, though M. insisted it was a “girl” goldfish) out of the freezer and “she” was buried in the small flower bed in the back garden.
The funeral itself was a simple affair, allowing all the kids to say goodbye to Pinky as she was buried in a little soapbox with the assistance of a gardening spade.
This was the younger kids’ first direct experience of death. C. is still so little she didn’t really understand and thought the burial was a game. M. only vaguely remembered when the neighbor’s dog, Tinker, died (Z. had been too young) and of course the questions started flowing…
Where is Goldfish Heaven? How did Pinky get there? Who will feed her? Can I go there and visit Pinky? Will Tinker be there too? What is “dead”?
OMG - how do you answer that one?
Then Z. my five year old looked at me with his huge innocent eyes and asked, “Will you die?”
So Hubs and I scooped up the kids, went back into the warm house, made some hot chocolate, and sat down to explain that Pinky was an old goldfish and that her body had stopped working. We tried to help them understand that “death” is something natural that happens to everything and then reassured them LOTS that we would be around to look after them.
Then the inevitable from M. - “Mommy was it my fault Pinky died?”
Oh dear! When we first got Pinky all the kids wanted to feed her - all the time! As it was really M’s goldfish, I showed her how much to feed her, and did recall telling her not to overfeed Pinky or she could get sick.
So now I had to comfort M. and try to help her to understand that it was not her fault.
Once we had answered all their questions (as best as we could) and let them talk about Pinky’s death, we all snuggled up on the sofa and watched “The Lion King” together. Although C. soon fell asleep, I did notice that the older two were quieter and seemed a little more thoughtful as they watched about the “circle of life”.
As for me, I find myself going over and over what I told them, examining my responses to their questions and concerns, and wondering if I had said anything I shouldn’t have. I hated telling them that death comes to everything but I couldn’t lie and leave them thinking it only happens to goldfish.
I just remember my good friend Linda who came to my house for an overnighter when we were kids. Her mom had died when she was little and her dad told her that mommy had “gone to sleep”. The poor girl was paranoid about falling asleep all through her childhood.
So a day later I still feel the weight of responsibility for such young lives, hoping that I can live up to the task I have been assigned as “Mommy”.
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Sadly I have no good advice for those sweet questions! I remember when my goldfish (Charlie) died - I was devastated and had the same questions. My parents gave me some crap answer that I don’t recall but worked at the time.
Cool blog!
January 28th, 2008 at January 28, 2008 - 6:24 pmThat must be really tough. But you seemed to handle it with such grace.
Your kids are lucky.
January 28th, 2008 at January 28, 2008 - 6:35 pmhmm… the way u handled the goldfish’s death was so detailed. Do link me too.
January 28th, 2008 at January 28, 2008 - 11:48 pmi agree with she likes purple.
i was just recently made to promise to live as long as my daughter. i said “okay” thinking that by the time i had to make good on the promise, she’s see sense. i’m a bit crap that way.
January 29th, 2008 at January 29, 2008 - 5:02 amWow. When my Mom died, I had to catch myself from telling my kids that Grandma got sick… because they got sick too sometimes. I still haven’t got the right wording… I just say, “She died.” Then, they end up adding all that she went to heaven stuff… I never say a word, because who even knows if that’s true.
Sorry about the fishy. There’s an award waiting for you at my place.
January 29th, 2008 at January 29, 2008 - 7:16 amThat must have been awful for your childhood friend! You did the best you could! For me, I usually say it was the goldfish’s ticket!
January 29th, 2008 at January 29, 2008 - 12:20 pmyour a terrific mother….you did such a great
January 29th, 2008 at January 29, 2008 - 4:27 pmjob explaining and made it all seem like the circle of life…it’s so hard when they ask the big questions but it sounds as if you did a fantastic job…
I think you handled those very difficult questions extremely well. We had a death in the family very recently, and though my just-turned -3 year old had questions, we told her the truth, I don’t think she understood any of it. She didn’t know the uncle who died, though. Our 7 yo had more awareness of it being a sad time, and was sad for his cousin who had lost a grandparent.
January 30th, 2008 at January 30, 2008 - 6:03 pmIt’s a difficult topic for children and adults alike. You did a great job of it.
My daughter’s gone through 3 fish - she’s on her 4th, now - Munchie.
January 31st, 2008 at January 31, 2008 - 11:26 pmHer last fish, Goldie, died. She ran in to tell me and sure enough, Goldie had somehow flipped her way right out of the bowl. I put her back in and explained that Goldie was dead, and she would not “wake up”, and that daddy (who kept buying the things) would take care of it when he got home.
Later, she ran in to tell me, “Goldie came back to life!”, and after telling her that does NOT happen, I went in to look.
Sure enough, that damn fish came back to life! She was all goofy and not quite right, but I swear to you, she was swimming around again! She died “for real” 2 days later.
Try explaining THAT to your kid!
It really sucked.
But you guys handled it fine. Kids mostly react, I think, to how their parents react. If you act nutty over stuff, then so will your kids.
Sounds like you handled it very, very well!