November 25, 2006 - 10:42 am
During the holidays, many mothers silently suffer from an illness called "Failure to Flourish." This condition has the ability to transform a lighthearted sexy girlfriend into a mean old bag of a wife and mommy.
"I don’t understand what has happened. My wife used to be darling and adoring. She used to wear makeup and heels and shower daily. Now she doesn’t even appreciate that I do the dishes THREE times a week!" wailed one forlorn and confused husband of a woman suffering from FTF.
"Many women feel secretly angry and despairing over their tiring and unglamorous lives. They find themselves envying their relaxed empty-nester counterparts, having unexplained fits of rage when people talk about Paris, and losing the ability to act cheerful for more than 30 seconds," declared Dr. Rosie Rueful, principal researcher for the Angry Woman Institute. "By shedding light on Failure to Flourish, we hope women everywhere can get the help they need."
Signs that you or the woman you love may be suffering from Failure to Flourish:
- disinterest in her surroundings
- avoidance of eye contact
- irritability
- failure to reach developmental milestones like learning to balance meals, talking in a non-high baby voice, or matching socks
- infrequent showering and bathing
- unexplained anger at others who are cheerful and hoo hoo
Treatment options vary according to the seriousness of the condition, but can include:
- a day at the spa
- a date night with girlfriends who are not allowed to discuss anything domestic, especially their children
- a day alone in bed with a good book and a romantic comedy starring a hunky 20-something
- a meandering walk through the neighborhood alone, to take in the fresh air and non-talking beauty of nature, and, if after-dark, a peek into the disturbing lives of one’s neighbors.
- heavy medication
If you find you may be suffering from this condition, please don’t suffer alone. Get help immediately by calling our Mommy Is Going To a Home Hot Line (1-888-Is-This-All-There-Is?), where helpful and decidedly uncheery volunteers are standing by to listen to your legion of real complaints…
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Did I give you permission to write about my life? Huh? DID I?
Sorry. I’m pretty much the FTF poster bitch these days.
November 25th, 2006 at November 25, 2006 - 10:59 amOh, how much do I love you for this? Thank you!
November 25th, 2006 at November 25, 2006 - 3:19 pmYeah, I went to the spa today. So…there ya have it.
November 25th, 2006 at November 25, 2006 - 4:21 pmWait until middle age, failure to flourish gives way to “I don’t give a fuck anymore”. Something to look forward to.
November 25th, 2006 at November 25, 2006 - 7:47 pmI was with the baby talker last night. It is the most irritating sound coming out of an adult when speaking to other adults. UGH!
November 26th, 2006 at November 26, 2006 - 6:54 amCM, I knew I had SOMETHING! Thanks for diagnosing and dispatching the Rx. You are one smart mama!
November 26th, 2006 at November 26, 2006 - 8:48 amYou are a doll, dishing out all this therapy for free. And you hit the nail on the head, it is so annoying to go out for margaritas with girlfriends and find they want to talk about potty training. Shut up already and lets talk about the latest developments in vibrators instead!
November 26th, 2006 at November 26, 2006 - 12:35 pmabsolutely brillant. and i needed this today, so thank you.
November 26th, 2006 at November 26, 2006 - 2:02 pmAhhhhhhhh! So *that’s* what I have!
Sometimes I think it’s a really good thing I have a full time job or my personal hygiene might really suffer! LOL!
November 26th, 2006 at November 26, 2006 - 5:43 pmLooks like heavy medication is my only option here.
I choose alcohol.
November 27th, 2006 at November 27, 2006 - 2:11 amI’ve written the emergency number down…Thanks.
November 27th, 2006 at November 27, 2006 - 4:31 amI think I may be catching it as I turned into super bitch this morning. Hmmm..I dont think I can walk in the neighborhood alone because 1) I might get mugged by a hick or 2) there are no sideawalks
November 27th, 2006 at November 27, 2006 - 9:23 amMy hubby needs to read this. He seems to think I’m the only woman suffering from this disorder.
November 28th, 2006 at November 28, 2006 - 12:27 pmI need all of the above! Do I ever get to sleep in on the weekends after an exhausting week of carting the little one to daycare, working all day, cooking, cleaning, bathing, book reading, etc? NO! I am still up at 7am while he sleeps until 9-10am!! I am I bitter? Maybe a bit…My husband really needs to read this!! Thanks!!!
December 18th, 2006 at December 18, 2006 - 11:15 am