October 31, 2006 - 11:59 pm
Dear Me,
This letter may freak you out, seeing as it’s from me - you, whatever - in the future but there’s something you should be prepared for. You don’t know it yet, but you’re pregnant. That’s right; you’re going to have a baby. Now, don’t go and freak out, it’s not like you weren’t planning for this. It’s a good thing, really, but you may want to sit down while you’re reading this.
This pregnancy is going to send your life into a tailspin but I figure you can handle this advance warning.
- First of all I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re going to be sick. Really sick. Throw out all your ideas about morning sickness. I’ve got one word for you -Zofran. On the upside you won’t gain much weight and you’ll save a fortune on maternity clothes.
- Second, don’t plan on going back to work after the baby is born. Your bosses are going to take this opportunity to screw you over. There will be much stress and in the end you’re going to quit anyway. Save yourself some trouble and tell them to take their job and shove it.
- Third, it’s not a picnic but labor and delivery are not as bad as you think. Don’t get me wrong it’s fairly horrible, but you’ll get through it. Get the epidural, you’ll thank me later.
You haven’t passed out yet, have you? Good. Here’s what you should know for after you’ve had the baby:
- In the beginning breastfeeding is going to suck (pardon the pun). Stick with it. It gets better.
- No, you won’t break the baby.
- Um, you might want to do some research on Colic. Sorry.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help and if you feel like crying (hint, hint), dammit go ahead and cry. No, neither one will make you seem weak.
- Finally, that little girl (Oops, you don’t know the sex of the baby yet. Well, surprise! It’s a girl!) is going to break your heart into a million pieces time and again and then with one smile will put all those pieces back together. I know you hate roller coasters so you might want to hang on tight; it’s going to be a wild ride.
I think that’s enough for now. Remember you’re tough, much tougher than you think and this pregnancy and mommy thing will prove it. Since you’re so tough I think you can handle hearing one more thing: George W. Bush is going to be re-elected in November’s election. I know, it sucks big time, but on the upside the Red Sox are finally going to win the World Series! No, really, I’m serious! Would I lie to you? Me? Whatever. I need to wrap this up because this has gotten too confusing. Good luck, we’ll need it.
Much love,
You, Me, Whatever, circa November, 2006
****This post is part of October’s Blog Exchange and was written by Mrs. Chicky****
When she’s not working on her Way Back Time Machine, Mrs. Chicky is trying to rid herself of the tics and twitches she acquired as a result of her now 18 month old daughter’s colic.
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That was great! I agree…Zofran is a charm! You summed up motherhood to a tee!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 5:39 amLOL! I have often said my life would be a lot let stressful, with much less drama if I had a little angel on my shoulder telling the outcome of some of my most anxious moments. Wouldn’t it be just the thing to know it all works out in the end. And, yes, the heads up tidbits would be grand!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 6:07 amhow cool is that. very creative take on this.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 8:12 amHow funny! Don’t we all wish we could do this. Kind of ala Kathleen Turner in “Peggy Sue Got Married”. Back then, if someone told me that the country could be conned again and George Bush won the election I may have nearly crapped my pants. But of coruse, that’s what I did when it really happened in Nov of 2004. I’m still in a state of extreme denial.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 8:52 amlovely letter and a lovely idea for exchanges, cuz ill keep coming back here too.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 9:17 amNiiiiice letter…excellent idea! If you could get that time machine/letter-writer-to-self thingy ready for Christmas sales…you would make a KILLING!!
If I could do such a thing I would tell myself, “never, ever, EVER say anything critical about ANYONE’S parenting! Because Karma…well, she is going to kick your ass into next Wednesday!”
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 9:32 amAhhh…colic, I wish I had done that research too. Instead, it came as a shock to me that babies could get acid reflux.
Lesson learned the hard way, once again.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 10:04 amOh.My.God. You’re a freaking genius. And hilarious.
Did I mention you are a hilarious genius.
Well, you ARE!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 10:31 amAh yes. Zofran. is. a. lifesaver. As is baby Prevacid. Who knew?
Great post!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 11:49 amIf my pre-mother self read a letter that I (me, you, whatever) wrote post-childbirth, I’m pretty sure I would ignore all of it except the part that revealed the sex of the baby. Everything else I had to experience for myself in order to comprehend it in the slightest. To me that’s the essence of parenting–knowing nothing and then being forced to figure it out. But it sure is wicked funny in retrospect
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 12:40 pmThis was such a great idea! Yes, heartbreak and exhaltation on a daily basis … motherhood!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 1:21 pmI love these retro-letters to one’s self. Wouldnt it be cool to know the future? Hmmmm. scratch that, no, it wouldnt.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 2:01 pmAh all the letters I could write to myself!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 2:36 pmWow, now see if this were a letter to me, I’d have left out the George Bush part because it might have stopped me from procreating altogether.
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 2:59 pmCute idea and love your letter. I think I snorted at the suggestion to do some research about colic!
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 8:17 pmThat’a great! I wish I could write a letter and send it back in time to myself sometimes. But then again, maybe not. I like the surprise
November 1st, 2006 at November 1, 2006 - 10:54 pmI love this idea! Let’s pass this letter around to young girls so they’ll think twice about getting knocked up before they are ready.
November 2nd, 2006 at November 2, 2006 - 7:42 amGreat idea for a post Mrs. Chicky as usual!!
November 2nd, 2006 at November 2, 2006 - 10:05 amColic, how I remember those days! I spent some of them sobbing in the pediatrician office as I struggled to get anyone, ANYONE, to tell me that 12 hours of successive crying was NOT normal! If it helps, it is much calmer now. However, when I was there….it DID NOT help!
November 2nd, 2006 at November 2, 2006 - 5:33 pmIf all else fails….Lexapro works wonders! (Just a thought)