October 27, 2006 - 3:30 pm
While it’s fairly obvious to me that I need to work to survive emotionally, intellectually, and economically, I have learned to live with a deep-seated ambivalence about the whole Career Mommy endeavor (less like "ambivalence", more like being ripped apart by two wild boars running in opposite directions). A low, dull ache of longing, freedom, and confusion all mixed together in a watered down and expensive cocktail.
While I was home for three months this Summer, I nearly went to a home; and not the pretty kind with the nice people in bathrobes calmly taking pills. More like the one with the screaming people chained to walls being fed dry biscuits and rocks.
And while I’m not "I am Woman. I am Mother," I’m also definitely not "These kids ruined my figure, damn them!"… I’m lost in the hinterlands somewhere between Cranksville, Scary Mommy World, and Self-Sacrifice Suburbs.
But on days like today, when the rain and dark is mixed with the memory of smelling the spun gold of Chloe’s hair as I sang her a bedtime lullaby, I have no mixed feelings whatsoever. I want to stay home, cuddle up in a big bed full of kids, and see what wonders befall us. I want to make pumpkin pie, talk about giggly monsters, and be a short-order peanut butter chef.
The best parts of motherhood are the immensely private times that occur between me and my children. I never get misty and devoted all over again on play dates, at grandma’s house, or Gymboree. It is always at home on days like this, when we stay in our jammies and do whatever we like, with neither a schedule nor an ad deadline to stop us.
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You have definitely tapped into my ambivalence (and I might have to blog about it myself!).
After 20+ years in the “working world,” I find it hard to be committed to my writing and home life and have it all work at the same time.
The last few mornings have been dark, cloudy and rainy here. When DH leaves the house at the crack of dawn, R. tends to shuffle across the hallway into bed with me. We get some serious snuggling time before she heads off to school. There is no better drug than being curled up in bed with my six-year-old daughter, her legs tossed over mine and her arm thrown around my head so I can’t get away. It’s the best moment of the day.
A couple of weeks ago R. said, “Mommy, could we just stay in bed all day in our pajamas?” Man, was I tempted!
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 7:11 amYes, yes, YES. You’ve put it so perfectly.
My ‘happy mama’ moments are never at a play group or in any sort of public space - they are always the moments that attend the two of us, she and I, alone.
I had such a moment yesterday morning, while she and I played on the floor in our pajamas and pretended to do head stands. I thought - THIS is bliss. I LOVE this. And it occurred to me in that moment that it really is that kind of moment that captures the happiness of momhood for me.
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 8:42 amI miss working but not FOR THE MAN. Pumpkin pie baking and snuggling in bed sounds nice!
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 9:27 amHey, my daughter’s name is Violet. Violet Jane. She is 2&5 months old, exactly.
And we also share similar quiet and defining moments, less frequently these days as I have recently become a part timer in the everyday working world.
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 9:31 amAs always, you’ve captured everything so perfectly. What got you through last summer, btw?
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 9:38 amWhoa! My head is spinning. I saw ‘my’name appear as having commented on this thread, and lo and behold it was Some Other Cranky Karrie.
Excellent post
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 10:55 amI swing that way emotionally also. Some days it feels like I’m on track and others…not so much.
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 10:57 amFor those of us who are struggling with the perpetual glow of mommydom, I find comfort that though it isn’t doesn’t occur as often as my content counter parts, those tender moments with the wee ones make it all worth it.
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 2:34 pmHi, glad you’re having a good day for once! And thanks for linking me darlin’.
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 2:41 pmThis is a great post! I think all working moms have the same struggle. While I love the challenge and fufillment of my job, I struggle with feelings of guilt. I also long to spend those quiet, quality moments with my kids. Nothing makes me happier than the few minutes my three year old son will sit still in my lap and let me read a book to him. Of course, there is such thing as too much of a good thing!
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 7:04 pmThat sounds very cool. Where do I sign up?
October 24th, 2006 at October 24, 2006 - 11:06 pmBeautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
October 25th, 2006 at October 25, 2006 - 4:46 amI WANT TO GO HOME NOW!
October 25th, 2006 at October 25, 2006 - 10:24 ammmmm - know that feeling! you’re right - it grabs you especially when it’s a bit gloomy out and you can all just cuddle up together and read books to each other. love it!
October 25th, 2006 at October 25, 2006 - 12:14 pmAhhhh, those times are wonderful. If only it could be like that ALL the time!
October 25th, 2006 at October 25, 2006 - 2:14 pmThere are times that I SERIOUSLY miss working outside the home. I miss being able to keep myself clean for longer than 5 minutes. I miss adult conversation. But.
I am grateful that I have the choice to stay home. I don’t have to deal with office politics. I can take care of my kids when they’re sick.
October 25th, 2006 at October 25, 2006 - 8:25 pmIt sounds like a wonderful life full of wonders to behold…
October 26th, 2006 at October 26, 2006 - 1:24 pmand your children will remember it forever… and what a gift for yourself to revisit when they are older…